o No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.

o When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.

o If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.

o Never ask your three-year old brother to hold a tomato.

o You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.

o Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

o Never hold a dust-buster and a cat at the same time.

o You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

o Don’t wear polka dot underwear under white shorts.

o The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap.

o Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

o Wrinkles don’t hurt.

o Families are like fudge - mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

o Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.

o Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.

o Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.

o Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

o Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

o When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

o You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

o It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

o Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.

o Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.